Dreaming of Chalk
by Ghanaperu
Summary: "Sometimes it screams out to everyone 'Traitor! Traitor', and he is fearfully ashamed and tries to make it just shut up, but it won't and so he talks louder and louder, trying to drown it out with his explanations and excuses but he can't and everyone glares at him with accusing eyes: 'traitor, traitor.'." Allan's dreams of guilt on the ship back from the Holy Land.


The chalk sign haunts him in his dreams on the way back home, to England and the camp Will had built. Will and Djaq are gone now, but there is no one to be angry with except himself. He knows it is his fault that they stayed; his betrayal had cracked the group enough that they did not have enough hope left to keep fighting.

So in his dreams, he sees the damned sign, hugely large and white. Sometimes it screams out to everyone "Traitor! Traitor!" , and he is fearfully ashamed and tries to make it just shut up, but it won't and so he talks louder and louder, trying to drown it out with his explanations and excuses but he can't and everyone glares at him with accusing eyes: "traitor, traitor."

Sometimes it speaks with Will's voice, and it says "You make me sick." It is so passionate that he wants to throw up from the guilt, and he tries to remember why this was worth it and all the rationalizations that Gisborne said in the dungeons. He tries to remember the pain of torture, but somehow this seems worse and all he feels is a deep, deep regret for what he did because it is way too late now for repentance or forgiveness. Traitors don't get second chances, so he tries to erase the sign, to take it back. But even though he rubs and rubs, it never even smears - just keeps saying that phrase over and over, crystal clear and condemning: "You make me sick."

Sometimes Marian is standing next to it, smiling a sad smile at him. She never says anything, just keeps smiling as she fades away and the white chalk is splattered with her blood. He chokes down his gasping sobs, and claws at the pole, beating it with his fists and screaming at it that Marian was never a part of it, that she can't die because Robin needs her and they all need her and it just isn't supposed to happen. And once he screamed at her, asking her to say something, anything; even if she blames him to at least say it! Every time her smile seems less and less sad and more and more accusing, like she is pointing him out to the demons with her smile, whispering, "There he is, the one who sold his soul for gold." But she never speaks, and that is the worst part, the reason this is the worst one, the only one he wakes up crying from.

He tries to hide it, when that happens. It is easier, now that Djaq and Will are gone. He could have never hidden it from them, but no one here watches him. Everyone is watching Robin, trying to figure out what he will do and worrying about their future and thinking about Marian and how devastating it is to all of them, but especially to Robin. So no one is there to ask him about the nights he wakes up in a cold sweat, or even the nights he wakes up in hot tears. He gets up on those nights, and walks up to the top deck to stand in the cool sea air.

Once he is standing there, cooling off and trying to wipe the dream from his memory, when Much is suddenly standing there next to him. Allan doesn't say anything, but he groans inside. Much is fine, but their whole relationship is based on teasing and fake hatred and he just really doesn't want to have to think of something funny or witty to say right now. So there is a moment of silence, while he scrambles for something to say that will explain his after-dream trembling and make it funny. But before he can, Much looks at him. "I know," is all he says, very softly. Allan looks over at him in slight shock, but he just looks away. Allan stands there in stupefied silence for another ten seconds or so, and then Much turns to walk back down to their sleeping area. He touches Allan's shoulder as he passes, and that is it. Allan stands out there a couple minutes more, and then he goes back down as well; and Much never says anything else about that night.

But now sometimes after he goes outside to cool off and regain control of his body, there is a cup of water waiting at his bunk when he goes back down. And sometimes there is suspicious movement over where Much is sleeping, like he is trying to pretend that he isn't watching. Allan sometimes misses the privacy to dream and sweat through it alone with his pride, but mostly he is glad to know someone cares, even after what he did.

And it's funny, but after that first night on the deck with Much, the dreams come less and less frequently, so that by the time all of their worst fears are realized and Robin finally loses it completely, they are almost entirely gone. And Much stops watching him because Robin is dangerously close to giving up and all of his efforts are directed towards holding him back from the edge, but it doesn't matter because it is the knowledge that someone cares that keeps the dreams at bay, and that knowledge is something Much has already given to him.

And it is because of those two little words from then that they can stand together against Robin's bitter lashing words when all he wants to do is get revenge and die, and they are in his way. It is because of the bond formed over two words that Allan physically fights John to try and save Much, even though his logic tells him it is hopeless and his past tells him that he shouldn't care anyway.

_And those two words and their deeper meaning are enough to keep him strong at the end, and they are what send him running back to warn the gang, even after they do to him what he did so long ago - only it is worse this time because of all their history. Back then, those words were forgiveness; and so now his flying feet carry the same forgiveness, giving back more than he received. _

_The fact that they never know does not change the magnificence of the choice, and that choice is why Allan A Dale's story can never be forgotten_.


End file.
